Mom and Me

Plastic Surgery, That "Boy" and Nose Hair

We're visiting during Dr. Oz (one of Mom's favorite afternoon television shows) talking about plastic surgery, divorce and how gullible women are who wish to turn back the clock with plastic surgery.  Mom:  "I've got news lady things sag no matter what!"  So, that is the discussion when all of a sudden, while looking at the women on television talking about getting back at their ex-husbands with a tummy tuck Mom says, "That boy has seen nothing but trouble!"

Huh?  What boy?

"You know, that boy who is so famous but he's been running with the wrong crowd!"

I'm trying to keep up: What boy?

"He's some kid-singer."

Justin Bieber?? (I'm trying...)

"Yes!  That's it.  If I were his mother he'd be grounded for a month!"

I suspect he would.

"What are you picking at?"

What?

"Your ears.  Why are you picking at your ears?"

Uhm, I have hair that tends to grow in one or two places on my ear lobe.

"I need to buy you a battery powered nose hair trimmer.  I see them all the time on QVC."

Three topics in less than sixty-seconds.  Ya gotta stay on your toes.

And so it goes...

That Girl Upstairs

Mom lives in a beautiful apartment building.  When she moved in she was convinced the young lady above her "must be a hooker" because "I can hear things going on at all hours".  I asked and found out the suspected "hooker" works at a well known business as an IT professional. 

However yesterday:

"She's been busy again."

What do you mean, Mom?

"You know, her. (gestures up) Well, she now sleeps in a different room.  It's just odd how she is always moving furniture around."

How do you know all of this?

"I hear things you know.  She was entertaining the other night."

What?

"Yes, and that's not all.  Sometimes an older woman comes over and she has two children with her.  I think it might be her mother who is raising the kids."

Mom, she lives upstairs and she enters the building from a different door. How do you know all of this?

"I keep an eye on what's going on around here.  And, a pretty sharp ear too."

And...so it goes.

The Disposable Generation...

I walk into Mom's house and she is standing at the kitchen sink washing her hands.  On her hands are some latex gloves.

Mom, what are you doing?

"I'm washing my hands."

I can see that but, you've got those disposable gloves on.

"So?  I've got to make sure they are clean because I'll be wearing them again."

They are disposable...

"Waste not, want not!"

And so it goes....

What Do You Call That Stuff?

It was a nice day so following a doctor visit for some routine blood work I asked Mom if she would like to go into the grocery store. (She says she hates it...but she really loves to explore the 93,000 square feet of wonder at the Urbandale HyVee.)

We spent 20 minutes in the produce section and then on to the bakery:

Would you like to try some of these breads?

"What kind are they and don't you think they would dry out sitting out like that?"

I don't know but here is some raisin walnut bread.

"How much?"

It says $4.99.

"For a single loaf of bread?  No way! Besides I don't know how long they've been out there."

(About that time along comes Liza Hassevoort with some fresh pesto.  Seems Liza and her husband Kevin from Leon, Iowa make it and HyVee is going to carry it.)

Mom, would you like to try some pesto?

"Some what?"

Pesto.

"Oh, I can't have that.  It's green."

You don't eat the entire container just dip a little on a piece of bread.  (She tries it...)

"Oh, now that is good! I can taste some garlic.  Come here dear and tell me how you make it.  I might just have to cook some up later this afternoon."

Presto...a pesto lover.

If I can save a dollar...

"Would you do something for me?"

Sure Mom, what?

"Well, I need you to put the stuff that is in the wash machine into the dryer but don't dry it.  Only set it for about ten minutes."

You don't want your clothes...dry?

"Oh yes, but after the ten minutes I need you go get my 'drying rack' and put that up over there and then I'll hang up the damp clothes."

Why do you do that?

"I want to add a little moisture into the air and, besides, it just takes too much money to run that clothes dryer.  If I can get some of the water out and then hang them up I might just save a dollar. Besides who wants wrinkled up slacks?  Then I'd have to turn on the iron and that's really wasteful!"

And, so it goes...

The "Colored Man"

When you're about to become 93 years old some of "the old ways" remain no matter how liberal you might be.

The other day Mom and I were sitting talking about her day and her busy times on the telephone.  She loves the telephone...

"I called my insurance company today to ask them some questions."

Did you get the answers you wanted?

"Yes.  I spoke to the nicest colored man.  I'm sure he was, I could tell by his laugh."

(Me...cringing)  There are lots of ways to describe somebody.  It could have been just a man. What does it have to do with the story that this man may have been of color?

"Oh nothing, but he was so kind to me.  I've found, through the years, that colored people are the kindest and most gentle folks I've ever known."

I decided that sometimes it's best to keep quiet.

And, so it goes...

Those Chairs? Not Me!

Mom and I are at a branch location of a very popular bank to "...do a little business".  (She loves going to banks, doctors and lawyers...I dunno but she does.)  The minute we get to the waiting area for our banker:

"Oh my!  I wouldn't sit in those chairs!  Just look at them...filthy!"

Maybe they are just stained.

"Oh no, you just don't know who has been sitting in them.  Imagine all the germs.  Ick!"

But, when we go to the doctors you sit in those chairs.

"Yes, but I am wearing my gloves when I go there and as you can see today, no gloves.  I'm very careful of what I touch.  Which reminds me, I need to get more of that hand sanitizer.  I shook that bankers hand."

And...so it goes.

Location, Location, Location...

The other day we were watching KCCI - News Channel 8 (Mom calls each of the newscasters by their first name and she's got a crush on John McLaughlin...who doesn't?) when the story of charging more for cemetery plots ran.

The issue is that the city needs added revenue so it is going to start charging for "prime locations" in the city owned cemeteries.

"Well, how about that!  When you're dead...you're dead.  What the heck are they thinking that we would want a 'prime location' where we're planted?"

It's marketing Mom.

"I know and silly.  Just put me in a box."

You know, we could see about putting you in our back-yard.  We've got trees, a creek and it's on a hill.

"Location, Location, Location! Just like those real estate sales people.  But, I suppose you would charge me the premium rate. What $3,000 for the plot?"

We might give you a "friends and family discount.

She laughed for several minutes...and so it goes.

 

Mom & Her New Job

Mom doesn't care much for the water in Des Moines. "I don't know, it just tastes bad.  That's because, in Michigan, we had all that fresh water not farm water."

So, we bought her a PUR Water Pitcher.  She loves it! 

"I think this is just the best thing! How much did you pay for it?"

I think it was $17.95 over at Target

"Seventeen-Ninety-Five?!?!  Well, that's OK but I bet I could sell these door to door.  Buy them at $10 from the manufacturer and then sell them for $16 and undercut Target.  I'd make a fortune."

But how would you get around?

"You could push me.  They wouldn't dare chase an old lady like me away and besides it would be good exercise for you!"

And so it goes...