Mom and Me

Oh The Holidays...

This year Chanukah and Thanksgiving fell on the same day.  It happens only once every 70,000 years or so.  We were doubly blessed to have Mom and our grand-daughter Jovie for dinner on Thursday night.  Actually, Mom is always here as she lives with us.

The conversation between a four-year old and a ninety-three year old is often similar.

"When are we going to eat?  You know I need to eat every couple of hours." (Mom)

"I'm getting pretty hungry!" (Jovie)

"What's that!??" (Mom)

"I don't think I like that." (Jovie)

"I'm getting tired of sitting here." (Mom)

"What are we going to do next?" (Jovie)

"What?  You're having ANOTHER glass of wine?" (Mom)

"Wine?  Can I have some?" (Jovie)

Happy Holidays!

And...so it goes.

 

You're Fired!

I've been fired before.  The most memorable was on Christmas Eve long ago.  The guy figured it would be cool to "ruin" my Christmas...not knowing that Jews don't celebrate the holiday.  But I do remember the event and the drive to the station to get the news.

Last night Mom fired me.  Something about the food, my attitude, my bride...the list got pretty long. 

"I'm going to call the attorney in the morning and have you removed from my affairs!"

And, who will take up those duties?

"I have ways..."

That of course was last evening.  Today the realization started to sink in starting with, "Who is going to take me to the bathroom?"

The rabbis say the hardest commandment to keep is the 5th...to "Honor your Father and your Mother."  I can attest to the fact of their wisdom and daily remind myself of this particular mitzvah.

Getting old...old, old is tough.  Losing independence, memory issues, health...all are frustrating and sometimes that frustration comes out in lashing at "the hand that feeds you".

I get it...but I also understand the stress from a care-giver standpoint.

Which leads me to wonder why in heaven's name our state sucks when it comes to paying direct care-givers a live-able wage.  We talk about how "precious" our older population is but when we "warehouse" them in institutions we've decided the burden on paying for their care is just too much to handle.

The State of Iowa should look to the 5th Commandment...first.

And...so it goes. 

The Big Move...

I'm off the couch!  Ten days ago we moved Mom from her apartment into our home in Windsor Heights.  That did a number of things...it got me off the couch that I used as a bed for a month and it sped up her healing process.  Less stress I think.  She is even back to laughing.

Of course the process isn't without its trials.  But she loves her room with a view, the companionship of the dogs, bird and people and that's what really matters.

This morning at 5:30 I was getting her morning pills.  Her hair and mine looked like the wild people of the jungle and she said, "Oh boy!  Somebody should get a picture of this!"

Glad she's got a sense of humor.

And...so it goes.

Butter...

I don't know but, when Mom was growing up, getting "real butter" must have been expensive?  Whenever the local HyVee store has butter on sale I am sent to get a couple of pounds.

I'm not sure why.  Mom doesn't cook or bake anymore but when she did she was very clear that her dairy cookies were made with "real butter".  She would say, "As they are made with real butter."

I dunno....

All I can figure is that for a union organizer home in the 1930's "real butter" was hard to come by.  Today...not so much, but I'm glad to get it for her...no matter what she has planned for it.

And...so it goes. 

The Hardest Commandment...

This may come as a surprise to many of you however the rabbis tell us that the hardest commandment (of the "Big Ten") is this, Exodus 20:12: Honor your father and your mother; that your days may be long upon the land which the L-rd your G-d gives you.  To honor your parents is no simple thing.  So difficult it is that one rabbi in the Talmud said it is better to be born an orphan.

Why is it so difficult and why is it so important?

According to Rabbi Barry Leff, "The Talmud in tractate Kiddushin teaches us that there are three partners in the creation of a person, the Holy One,
blessed be He, the father, and the mother. When people honor their
parents, G-d says ‘I ascribe [merit] to them as though I had dwelt among
them and they had honored Me.’

So it is important.  But why is it so difficult?

Because to truly honor your mother and father it means you must set aside your opinion.  My mother is 93.  She looks at the world differently than I.  For example I cook for her.  If I cook a meal on Monday and offer her left-overs on Tuesday she questions if it is safe.  Why? She grew up with limited refrigeration and even though she has had refrigerators for decades the old fears come through. Does it frustrate me when she questions my cooking.  Yes.  And that is not honor...

But, if this is the hardest commandment to follow...might it be the most important?  Again, the words of Rabbi Leff: "Bringing a new life into the world is surely one of the most mysterious and “G-d-like” activities we can engage in. The connection with G-d is pretty clear: ask any infertile couple whether the decision to have children is entirely in human hands. So if we can understand the special role that parents have as partners in Creation with G-d, we can appreciate why the commandment to honor them is important." 

And...so it goes.

   

Been A Tough Couple of Weeks...

This is my bed and has been for the past two weeks.  It's been quite a time.

Mom had panicked early in the morning fearing she would not get her meds on time and called 911. We live about four blocks away but she was scared and so was I when the Windsor Heights Police knocked on our door at 4:45AM. She was admitted to the hospital for observation and her back pain. Then three days later she was released from Mercy West Lakes.  Clearly we could not leave her alone at night so...I moved in.

Meanwhile we made application for a wheel-chair because walking is so painful.  She was denied by Medicare because we were honest and said we were going to use it to go places...like the doctor, dentist, etc.  They don't allow such luxury's.  Ten minutes after we got the denial I turned to Facebook and asked my friends there if anybody knew of somebody that had one.  Within twenty-minutes my dear friend Kiley Stenberg said she had one for me. The sad part about that was that Kiley's father had been using the transfer-chair but had just, seven weeks ago, died. "I want to make sure somebody that is in need can use it.  This is perfect." When I picked it up we both cried a little.

It's so tough watching parents decline but it happens all the time.

Mom thinks the gift was really nice but can't quite figure out why somebody she doesn't know would do it. "You have some amazing friends Michael."  I know Mom...good night.

And...so it goes.

  

Home...Whew...

Have not had much time for updates.  Mom was released from Mercy West Lakes Hospital on Friday which was just in time for the weekend which means no services from anybody.  Yikes!

She was happy to get back to her home and we'll see how this goes.  She's still in lots of pain from her compression fractures in her back but seems to be doing OK.  Activities of daily living are sketchy and I get to spend the nights at her place just to make sure things are going alright.

She is sleeping through the night, appetite is good...so we'll see.  Lots going on around here and we'll keep you in the loop.  A big thank you to all of the folks who have offered words of encouragement.  It helps.

Mom's Laundry...

I get to do Mom's laundry.  Oh, and does she worry about it:

"Looks like you've got some laundry in the basket..."

"Oh that?  Don't bother there isn't enough to do."

"Sure there is." 

"I don't think so.  And, besides, you don't have the time."

"It's OK."

"Say, bring me some of those blue pants?"

"I thought you didn't like those...they are too...drab."

"They are but they take so little work to keep clean."

"Mom, not to worry.  It's not like I'm doing laundry on a washboard."

"Don't get smart with me Mister.  Besides, I never did laundry on a washboard.  A wringer washer yes.  Now those where the days....."

And...so it goes.

Scott Smith & Mom

My cell phone rang and the ID said it was Mom calling...after 6:30PM.  That's scary.  I answered saying, "Hi!  You OK?"

"Of course I am.  I just wanted to call and let you know I'm at a concert."

A concert?

"Yes, a piano player named Scott Smith is here at Edgewater and he's going to play some of the old tunes from The War Years."

The next day we're sitting in the garden and she says, "I had the best time and even sang with Scott." (Notice she is on a first name basis...)

Sang?

"Yes, he asked me to sing along and I did 'Walking Through the Alphabet with You'."

I don't know that song.

"I used to sing it in Chicago with the band:  A you're adorable, B you are beautiful C you're cutie on my arm...."

I'm glad you had a good time.

"Oh I did and sitting right behind me was a fellow who was celebrating his 90th birthday."

Bet you sang Happy Birthday.

"We did but, wow he sure looked his age!"

And...so it goes.

Listen to the Patient

Over the past week Mom has been complaining that, "I'm not right in the head!" and that she was feeling "goofy".  Her blood pressure had gone up just prior to her recent hospitalization so she was prescribed some new meds. 

"I'm telling you, this stuff makes me feel like I'm in another world."

Then, at the hospital they prescribed a second blood pressure medication.  By the time she got back to Edgewater she was not the same.

Early this week we had a care staff meeting and we talked over several items from her anxiety to her inability to concentrate.  She said, "Look, I don't know what this stuff is but I am now starting to hallucinate.  Just this morning I was talking to my family of 40 years ago and I was wide awake."

Besides that Mom was very upset that she was taking eleven pills at a time, "I am not a pill-taker and I'm always careful with what interacts with what."

Within twenty-four hours of discontinuing several drugs Mom was...back.

When we visited about this yesterday she said, "See, I told you I was wacky.  I'm glad they finally listened."

Word to those of you with elderly family members.  You must stay intimately involved in the day-to-day care of your loved ones.  Do not fail to question what is going on and build a solid relationship with the licensed caregivers.  It makes a huge difference.

And...so it goes